My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
