Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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