i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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