Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
