I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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