There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
