Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
