Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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