Plan B is the new Plan A
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
