can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
