His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
