two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
