I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
