Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
