i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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