got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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