i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
