She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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