People with herpes should wear stickers.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
