I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
