just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
