i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Randomize
