They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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