If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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