Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
