So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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