In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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