i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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