The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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