she woke up with a sticky ear
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
