Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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