i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
