You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
