shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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