you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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