I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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