and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
