I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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