I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
