I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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