Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
