So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
