the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the day after is always just damage control
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
