My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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