Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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