tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
