So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
