I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This baby is an asshole
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
