Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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