i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
How's work?
Spinning.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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