Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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